Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
