My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
