My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize