I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
