I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
