There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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