He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
