I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
