"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
NoShamevember. You game?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
