quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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