ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
