if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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