i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
