my room smells like sperm. sweet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
