omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i will never coherently bang her
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize