I checked into jail on foursquare
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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