oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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