Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
