Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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