I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i think i just lost a toe
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
