Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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