told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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