"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
