Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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