you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
