he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
