Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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