If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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