oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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