I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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