when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
