he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
