you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
