You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
