and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
