I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
