oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
