I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
