so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Everything about him screamed your future.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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