saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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