On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Your penis caused this!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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