i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
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Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
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how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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