Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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