Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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