My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize