i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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