Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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