So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
