the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
