dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I would fuck him just for his dog
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
