apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
