VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
