just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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