mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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