the new term for farting is butt boxing.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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