Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
