I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
we should paint friendship bongs
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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